Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
