I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize