hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
