ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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