my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
