please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
