True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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