im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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