I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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