remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
