can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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