My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
