Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
