Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
