Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
