Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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