Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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