Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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