There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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