I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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