dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
