Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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