Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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