She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
