Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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