Define "chronic" masturbator.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
