I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
