Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
