I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
