just come out here and I will go home with you...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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