My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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