I murdered the dance floor call the cops
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
