and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
