On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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