You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
