I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize