Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
