I met the friendliest cop last night
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize