Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
