So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
