Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
