Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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