dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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