I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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