you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
