How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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