Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
