theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
