K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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