so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
