I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Randomize
