That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
