I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
