Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
