I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
