now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
